suddenly have the urge to blog. dunno why. LOL. blog-hopping is the reason.

im just so damn sick of studying. seriously, it's fun if you accomplished something. for example, understanding what the teacher taught and able to do all the questions in tutorial with minimum difficulty. in contrast, if you simply don't understand a single thing the teacher is trying to convey to you during lecture and tutorial, that's disaster. sadly, i lies in the second category.

going to lecture with half the brain working, half the eyes open and notes half copied with effort, you think i will be absorb anything? no. every single day, i have been going home looking through the notes to understand. occasionally, it's successful. but most of the time, it goes to waste. lets take chem for example, lecture is going so fast that i could barely catch what the lecturer is saying. during tutorial, answers on my foolscap paper is simply blank. not because i dun wanna do or i dun wanna put effort into it, but i'm just unable to work things out. fuck it. i've identified my problems but solutions to it isn't effective at all. thoughts of consulting teachers after school seems like a perfect solution to clarify my doubts. BUT, think about it. would you be in the mood to studying after you are released from school to go home and SLEEP? would you even bother to go outside staffroom, phone the teacher and ask him/her for consultation? for my case, the answer remains no. furthermore, with a half-awake brain supporting me, you tink i will listen to what the teacher is saying?

SLEEP is something that i am seriously lacking of. the thing that have been making me procrastinate. even typing this post now, my brain is telling me to go to sleep. =.=. i've tried my best to complete my homework which i often do. but what about revision of past year topics? i can't sort out the time to do it. events after events are piling up. test after test are given. i am about to surrender to fate. i wanna have a nice break sometimes, from all the work i've been facing. but how much time do i have left before A level actually commences? oh well, i screwed up PI and OP for my PW. A for PW is seriously a *poof* for me. as for chinese, if miracle somehow strikes, i would get an A. i flopped the close passage and compre for paper 2. haiz. thinking of it. damn it. good results for A level might be gone.

Alright. even if i do do well for A level, what courses im going to take in uni? i am someone who has no goals in my life. im not lazy to aim for one, but i doubt i have the capability to do something big. who don't wanna earn big money? i have intention of being a historian, studying WW2 stuff. but you think i going to survive in singapore? therefore, i gave it up. next, i wanted to be a fighter jet pilot. i seriously find it damn cool. but, myopia and fear of heights. with degree of 300-325, it's hard. the fear of height is something that can't be reduced over time. so, you still think i can achieve that aim? no. argh. im stuck in a race right now. everyone is putting their effort, pushing themselves forward to reach the end where they will see themselves as who they wanna be. me? having second thoughts of whether to continue the race or just give it up and think that the rest are just by chance that they are successful? unknown future lies ahead of me.

friends. i do appreciate that i have friends around me who do care for me. sad to say, sometimes, there is something about them that day that makes them somehow different. i don't know how to explain it well in words. so if you dun understand or misunderstand what i'm saying, i'm sorry. the way they behave sometimes towards you are damn damn good. you just feel that you just had someone that understands you and you feel that they are your true friends. this is when you learn to cherish them, making the effort to do things for them, be there for them when they need someone. honestly, i do treat friends very well. i usually tried my best to do so, but sometimes i do fail. no one is perfect. but, have you ever come upon a situation where you treat that person damn well, but he/she don't seems to appreciate it? all the effort you put in just going down the drain. i am not expecting a repay or anything. but the point of backstabbing isn't something nice that you should repay me with. putting on a facade will just hurt me more. im sick of it. there is no particular person i am referring to. it is just a random point anyway. oh well. let's continue. being bossed around isn't something nice too. helping friends to do something is definitely fine with me. but, APPRECIATE IT FOR GOD DAMN SAKE. don't expect me to agree to every single thing you say. please be in my shoes. okayys? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. showing me that you are unhappy because of it is fucking irritating. i have been taking all this deep down in my heart for months. i have no one to share it to. therefore, thank you for this invention of blog. i am not trying to get everyone to agree with me. but, i seriously had enough. making a small matter big by arguing back or shouting at you isn't going to solve anything, so i take a step back. but you are pushing me further with your fucking attitude.